Having so many digital friends and still being lonely
Digital richness goes along with loneliness. Photo EPA, Yuri Kochetkov
Christian Life
Church has a bonus, says our Swedish columnist Julia Boehme. You don’t only have fun with your brothers and sisters. In difficult times, your relationship is even tested. “We have the opportunity to help, learn and forgive.”
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How can one have hundreds of friends on Facebook or perhaps thousands of followers on Instagram and still be lonely? Say the wrong thing online, and those “friends” will disown you. They are alone, surrounded by millions. It sometimes looks like we live in a zeitgeist plagued by loneliness, especially for those who are not yet married.
People of my age, millennials and Gen Zs, search for community. For a connection deeper than the fleeting kick of a like in the safe seclusion of our room. Without a “village”, finding people to connect with in the topsy-turvy modern world is complex.
Most days, I am a social person, but I was still painfully alone when I moved to my city a few years back. For a time, the workplace was my main point of human connection and even that happened online! If that is all we have – what awaits us when we can no longer work? Perhaps years of being alone, ageing in despair until we one day give up with a bitter breath?
It might seem morbid, but this was what I feared, along with boredom. If I must grow old, I would instead do so surrounded by people I love.
With horror, I recall the expressions of a full train of people on the London metro, all staring down at their screens and barely looking up when their stop was called. The only reason I didn’t was that I had no connection, not getting on any high horses here. If I have the chance, I doom scroll, too. Then – I met another woman’s eye, and we smiled at each other. Rather awkwardly, there was no joy but a profound relief in it.
With most of my social circles lost or far away, I longed to get out there and meet people. That’s why I opened my laptop to find an excellent place to find a connection. But I stopped in my tracks – what should I even search for? How? Where?
Where do we meet others when we are mentally locked on our phones? Perhaps an app? Humans clearly yearn for connection, but where can we find it?
Spoiler alert: Today, I have a good circle of friends from multiple places. It was the road there that wasn’t clear. So, in a place where introductions might not apply, what should I do?
The most common advice is “get a hobby.” It seems a great way to find acquaintances and broaden your horizon. However, although chatting with others during class is fun, there is little time for a real connection to grow. How about sports? Same. Men at the gym are often very helpful.
The military is famous for forging lifelong bonds, but that isn’t just something you do for an afternoon. Politics? It is a fun place to be; discussions will be good, and some values will be shared. But it comes with a risk: only being friends with your party friends can easily lead to an echo chamber and feed extremism. Still, I find it a fun and stimulating arena. No matter where you find them, ask your perspective friend if they want to grab a coffee.
This is easy for this small talk-loving person to say. While I think all the above options are good, there is one place better suited.
Yes, I write for a Christian newspaper, so you could probably guess. Church!
Earlier, I recommended that the parish focus on community building, and here we are again, finding strength and connection with those who break bread with us and share our struggles. This idea is older than Christianity itself, but keeping that grounded pillar of community is more important than ever when so much of our lives is fleeting in the digital cloud.
Acquaintances, friends and a family in Christ strive towards the same ultimate goal and inspire virtue, not vice. If we are the ones we spend our time with, how is this not the best place to kill the beast of loneliness? We meet regularly, if not weekly or more, in the same building where the doors open.
Through the near ritual tradition of church coffee, we meet each other. Sit with someone new or invite the person hoovering by the door to your table.
If you are new, attend church-led activities such as study groups or planned outings. Join the church chat to stay updated on the latest news. Ask if there is a group for your gender or age bracket.
We have an incredible women’s group where we meet to pray, do crafts, exercise, or swim if the weather allows. Cooking together is also a great activity. The men have activities, too, but I can’t tell.
If there isn’t a suitable group for you? Something you wish to do? Set up a date and tell your fellow parishioners. I set up a dinner group for the women of my age. We test food from all over the world and get to sit down and ensure everyone has the opportunity to talk.
Recently, a man invited us to his home to pick mushrooms together. After service, we set out into the woods as a group. I even got to meet some new people! I believe doing activities together outside of Sunday service is of the utmost importance for a living community.
Use your work or hobby skills to enrich your parish and help build the congregation as a chosen family. Sure, you might not become everyone’s best friend, which is okay. Invite them to public events and privately hang out with your church friends.
If this is up and running, finding friends and community will be much easier for those new and those lingering on the side. A physical space beyond the limitations of the everyday world that is there for us and in which we can love our neighbour. Or at least try to.
And it comes with a bonus. Get the opportunity to stress test your relationships instead of relying on only having fun together, just hoping someone will step up when push comes to shove.
Having friends with whom I can discuss both the joys of the natural world and the occasional existential dread alike is a gift. Even during manufactured struggles as Lent, we have the opportunity to learn, help and forgive. I indeed snapped at people who were moody because they wanted meat before Easter and had to apologise for it. Good practice should an actual conflict arise. Oh, and of course, take that person you met in the gym to church!
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