Churches & singles: no happy marriage
Research shows that church abandonment among singles is sky-high. Photo EPA, Ronald Wittek
Western Europe
As a person without a relationship, you are never entirely treated as an adult. That is the experience of a Dutch Christian who is single. Many people without a relationship agree: it is more difficult to find a place in the church without a relationship and children.
Pastors who mention singles in the same breath as the psychologically ill and the mourning. Ministers who ask singles of their congregation whether they are looking for a partner because they know someone who might be interested. These are some of the incidents that make it hard for single people to feel at home in their church, the Dutch daily Nederlands Dagblad writes.
Especially during Covid time being single felt lonely, says Laura Kralt (33) from the Dutch town of Culemborg. During the digital celebration of the Lord's Supper, her pastor told participants to "speak the following words to each other at home." "And then you are sitting all by yourself behind the screen. Yes, that feels very lonely", she reflects to the Nederlands Dagblad.
Kralt experiences that being single has become harder over the years. At first, she could easily blend in with other church members in modern churches. However, over time, more and more people her age got into a relationship and received children while she remained single. "In church, you are constantly confronted with what you lack: a dear husband and children."
Body of Christ
Reiny Brunekreeft (64) from the town of Veenendaal recognises these experiences. She points out that churches often circle around children and young families. "It felt like I did not belong there", she tells the Nederlands Dagblad. However, over the years, she has learned to accept her singleness. "It does not matter who you are and what you do; you are part of the body of Christ."
At the same time, she still finds it hard to be single sometimes. "Many people do not realise that, when you are single, you always walk into church alone, and you leave it alone too." Recently, Brunekreeft attended a funeral. After the church service was over, someone offered to bike home with her. Brunekreeft really appreciated that. "That felt very good."
Ruud Steenbeek (54), also from Veenendaal, has the same feeling of being left out sometimes. Even though his church does pay attention to singles, something feels off for him. "Reality is that most people on the stage are married", he says. And that becomes visible in the emphasis on "our houses and our families" even though not every home houses a family.
He feels that Christian communities pay much attention to involuntary infertility but forget about involuntary singleness. "I don't want to trivialise the grief of people who cannot get children. But as a couple, at least you have each other. As single, you must find a way to deal with your grief alone."
Sky-high
American research shows that church abandonment among singles is sky-high. Kralt also belongs to this large group. She says to have missed the connection to other church members. "When I could not attend church for a while because of a concussion, none of the other members contacted me. Apparently, nobody missed me. Maybe you must first make yourself indispensable before you catch the attention of others in the church", she says.
She is also critical of the fact that churches often speak about singleness as if it is great, for example, about the "gift of singleness." Kralt calls it rubbing salt in her wounds. "For me, that is a reason to avoid this kind of nonsense."
Self-image
Reiny Brunekreeft, on the contrary, feels at home in her congregation now. The situation in the church has not changed, she says, but she has. "The most important change was my self-image. I learned how to build relationships, and that makes the difference." She now also sees the benefits of being single. "Especially without a relationship, it is easier to build a trust relationship with families", Brunekreeft explains. "The key is daring to be vulnerable."
She advises other singles to reflect on their self-image. "Do you see yourself mostly as a single person? Or do you notice that you have to offer people something beautiful? When you show interest in other people, good relationships grow. Many singles forget about that. And you need courage to take that step because sometimes it feels easier to remain in your own misery."
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