Christian dating: As a woman, this is your dilemma today (1/2)
A female employee works from home with her child. Photo ANP, Lex van Lieshout
Opinion
Josepha Fernanda, a princess of Spain, defied the norms of her time and married a poet named Jose Guell y Rente. This significant event took place on 4 June 1848.
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The marriage news shook the royal court, leading Queen Isabella II to exile Josepha. Her act was unprecedented, as in the eyes of the Queen, Josepha had married beneath her status.
Men of royal blood faced fewer difficulties in marrying a woman of lower status and having more freedom than women of royal blood. But even for them, marrying a peasant's daughter was prohibited.
Today, things have changed. Both men and women are free to marry whomever they want, regardless of social status. However, it is interesting that women still tend to marry someone with at least the same social status as they do.
The study Mate preferences do predict attraction and choices in the early stages of mate selection, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology points out that "women, more than men, chose mates based on social status." Of course, this is not something that applies to everyone. However, it is a common phenomenon called hypergamy.
Choices
I must emphasise that modern Christian women should be free to choose when presented with this dilemma. Of course, I respect their autonomy and individuality.
Don't women see the dilemma they put themselves in by focusing on their career?
But here is the kicker: Christian women want to get married and have children. Yet, they are often very focused on a career in their early twenties. Although it may not be obvious, these two come into conflict.
If women tend to marry up, whether in terms of finances, level of education, status, etc., then the higher they go in their careers, the fewer eligible men are available to them. If they become doctors, lawyers, or CEOS, there will be fewer and fewer men who will meet their standards.
I understand women's desire to marry men they respect, admire, and look up to. They want someone equal to or higher than them, usually higher, who can be relied upon during tough times, especially during pregnancy and infancy. While this is reasonable, I must ask: Don't they see the dilemma they put themselves in by focusing on their career?
Goal
A high percentage of Christian women dream about getting married and having children, and this is the goal for many secular women as well. There are thousands of surveys out there proving this. And there is nothing wrong with that. If that is the case for Christian women, they should figure out how they want to deal with this dilemma.
They must realise that the pool of available men shrinks as they advance in their careers. Moreover, these men are not automatically destined for them, as they can very well choose a woman of lower status than them.
A Christian woman is the most attractive and has the best chance of getting pregnant in her early twenties.
Also, these men can choose someone much younger than themselves. In other words, men of higher status can marry someone on their level or lower and have no issue with it. For instance, a 35-year-old male lawyer will be willing to marry a 23-year-old barista, but a 35-year-old female lawyer will not be willing to do the same. Not usually. And most women would agree.
Of course, this is not an axiom. It is rather a general rule, and several exceptions exist. For instance, there have been men who married older women or women who married beneath their status, just like Josepha. Furthermore, Winston Churchill's mother, Lady Randolph Churchill (64), married Montagu Phipps Porch (41), who was younger than Churchill by three years.
Men usually do not care about a woman's finances, level of education, status, etc. It is not like these do not matter. But in general, men care more about physical attractiveness and youthfulness, which usually means fertility. Strangely, that is the best period for a woman to get married. A Christian woman is the most attractive and has the best chance of getting pregnant in her early twenties.
If a Christian woman's dream is to get married and have children, to be a homemaker, as the apostle Paul taught young Christian women in Titus 2, they must aim for that in their early twenties. Focusing on a career, whether they like to admit it or not, conflicts with their goal to get married and become a homemaker. They must prioritise one over the other.
Flaws
Feminists like Anne-Marie Slaughter, who wrote the article Why Women Still Can't Have It All, and Sylvia Ann Hewlett, who wrote the article Executive Women and the Myth of Having It All, discuss motherhood and having a career conflict. Although I might not agree with all their points, the fact remains: "Women cannot have it all."
Apostle Paul's teaching coincides with women's natural inclinations, which is fascinating. Young Christian women must settle down if they want to prioritise marriage and children. Although settling down sounds terrible, the truth is that compromise is part of life.
The world is not filled with Princes and Princesses but with ordinary people.
While the Disney Channel has lied to young Christian girls and told them there is a Prince Charming for every little girl, the truth is that most men and most women are average. Most people want to get to the top; the only issue is that most people do not. Just like women have flaws and are imperfect, men are the same. The world is not filled with Princes and Princesses but with ordinary people. Most of us are average in some way or another.
A wise man once said that "by humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honour and life." (Proverbs 22:4 MEV)
I do not instruct young women not to work or to wait around for a man to "rescue" them. I have no issue with a woman working or using her skills in the labour market. They are free to do so. Anyone, man or woman, should be able to sustain themselves.
However, one thing is to labour out of necessity and to sustain one's own, and another is to make a career one's purpose. That is the difference. Modern Christian women, although not all, have come to prioritise careers over marriage and children, which could stand in the way of their desire to start a family.
This article is part 1 of a diptych on Christian dating.
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