Christian dating: Men must know what challenge is theirs (2/2)
A husband should serve his wife with unconditional and self-sacrificial love. Photo Unsplash, 德綱 曾
Opinion
Love and marriage require hard work. Not only women should make sacrifices for their relationship, but men should too.
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When a couple gets married, the spouses often both take on their own responsibilities. Traditionally, the man goes off to work, while the woman cares for most of the household. But a relationship is much more than making daily life work. And while women are most often the ones who give up (part of) their career for their marriage, men must give up their “single” lifestyle too.
First and foremost, what is a man's calling in marriage? An old marriage form, often used for weddings in Reformed churches in The Netherlands says that a husband should love, honour, and care for his wife. Voddie Baucham, an African pastor, summarises it very beautifully: a man is created to be prophet, priest, provider and protector. He is called to be the head of the household, which gives him purpose in life, shows him what Biblical masculinity is and keeps him in check.
Men have to rethink what it means to be a man and what distinguishes them from women.
Ancient values for men were in line with this ideal, such as honourability, a feeling of duty, leadership, care, self-sacrifice, righteousness and protection of the weak.
Empty hands
However, these ideals seem to have disappeared from today's society. Masculinity is nowadays associated with toughness, hardness, always striving to win, sex and alcohol, in short “being one of the guys”. Influencers like Andrew Tate promote this idea. Women are often seen as objects that can be used for one's pleasure and who are inherently inferior to men.
Often, this growth of “toxic” or “hyper” masculinity is blamed on the rise of feminism which stimulated women's rights but left men with empty hands. As women grow through the ranks in their careers and become more equal to men at the societal level, men have to rethink what it means to be a man and what distinguishes them from women.
Some respond by resorting to extreme views like those of Tate. Others withdraw themselves from society. It is telling that boys are doing worse in school than girls, and that unemployment among men is higher than among women.
Pornography
Many men in today's society don't seem to have developed beyond their childhood. Instead of taking responsibilities to seek the good for their family and society, they sit in their rooms, endlessly playing video games or watching pornography.
There is even a special term for it: The Peter Pan Syndrome, named after the Disney figure who always stayed a boy. Even though it is not an official medical diagnosis, it shows the problem that many people nowadays have: they never mature emotionally and cannot take on responsibilities.
Growing polarisation does not help men and women to find each other and start a relationship together.
Dr. Dan Kiley coined the term in the 1980s. He claimed that boys who grow up in a dysfunctional family have a greater chance of getting the “Peter Pan Syndrome”. With the increased divorce rates, growing number of single-parent households and financial pressure on parents to both have a job, we should not be surprised to see more and more men zoning out. Often boys do not have a good role model they can adhere to, and search for identification figures online.
The modern idea of masculinity reflects this problem. Commentator Ben Shapiro summarises, it as “acting muscular without actually taking on responsibilities”. “Toughness, hardness, always striving to win, sex and alcohol”, values that are associated with manliness nowadays are very focused on oneself. And they leave men woefully unprepared for a responsible adult life.
Conservative
That leads to trouble when it comes to relationships. Fewer and fewer people want to start a committed relationship, let alone get married. All over the world, the numbers of marriages are declining, and divorce rates are surging. People believe that marriage ties them down and that it is an obstacle to their freedom.
It also does not help that the divide between men and women only seems to grow. Not only at the academic or financial level, but also in ideology. On average, women are getting more liberal, while more and more young men are going the conservative route. And growing polarisation does not help men and women to find each other and start a relationship together. For many, the differences in worldview are too large to overcome.
Mature
So, what is then left for men to do? Well, instead of complaining about feminism or withdrawing themselves from society, they should take on their responsibilities. And that starts with realising that manhood is not who you think you are or who you even want to be, says pastor Voddie Baucham. Instead, men should go back to the God Who created them, to the purpose He created them for and the relationship which He intended them to have with the opposite sex, he stresses.
Especially in a relationship, men cannot only live for themselves in the way they can when they are single. They are no longer only responsible for their own wellbeing, but also for that of their partner and possibly of their children. Even more, they are at the forefront and carry the main responsibility as the head of the family. And to do that, men need to be emotionally and socially mature.
If men want to fulfil their calling in life, they should grow up.
To be a prophet, priest, provider, and protector requires self-sacrifice. Just like women, men cannot have it all. If they want to fulfil their calling in life, whether married or unmarried, they should grow up and step up to their responsibilities, even when those are not easy or pleasant.
Example
The ultimate example for men is Jesus. He did not live His life for Himself but came to be a Servant. Instead of creating a kingdom with slaves to honour Him and to take care of His needs, He served people and even gave His life for their salvation.
He not only befriended people from whom He could benefit but looked at the weakest members of society with compassion. He did not shy away from protecting those who needed it most. He was not afraid to call out the Pharisees who looked with disdain at poor sinners. He took compassion for a widow who had to bury her only son. He stood up against unrighteousness. But He did so without flexing His muscles or gathering a large army to show His power. He did not need to go to the gym to prove His identity. Instead, He set an example by His humility.
Insecurities
So what does that mean in practice for Christian men in a relationship? The Bible tells men to love their wives as much as they love themselves, following the example of Jesus. “Husbands are to lavish on their wives the same kind of love Christ lavishes on members of his family, the church”, Tim Savage from the Gospel Coalition explains.
According to Savage, this kind of love has three characteristics:
It looks deep. A man who has this love for his wife sees her beyond what she shows on the surface. He knows her joys and insecurities, and understands her deepest needs, just like Christ measures our hearts and knows our inmost thoughts and needs.
It acts quickly. A husband who loves his wife in a Christ-like way puts her needs before his. He pursues her interests before his own. Just like Jesus, this husband serves his wife at her points of deepest need.
It empties fully. As Christ sacrificed Himself to the fullest for His Church and even laid down His life for them, a Christian husband should dedicate himself fully to his wife. He treats the life of his wife as his own. Her life becomes his primary concern. He does not only love his wife at her best, but especially at her worst, when she is most unworthy of him.
What is necessary above all, Tim Savage concludes, is the love of Christ. It is “a powerful agent of change, especially in our marriages”, he writes. “It transforms marital unions from glory to glory. And the husband, in dependence on God, is chiefly responsible for saturating the marriage with Christ's love.”
This article is part 2 of a diptych on Christian dating.
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